Thou Shalt Always Troll


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Thou shalt not steal images under Creative Commons.

Thou shalt not worship app icons or follow Lostprophets.

Thou shalt not take the names of Olly Mann, Scott Johnson, Adam Curry, Brian Ibbot, Len Peralta, Helen Zaltzman or Tom Merritt in vain.

Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a toy from a superhero film is a weirdo; some people are just nerds.

Thou shalt not read TMZ.

Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they are on Spotify; thou shalt not unfollow Stephen Fry.

Thou shalt not judge a Kindle by its cover, thou shalt not judge Community by Donald Glover. Thou shalt not buy from godaddy.com, thou shalt not buy from 1and1.com.

Thou shalt not go into Minecraft on your best friend’s server, load mods and cheat with them. Thou shalt not love The Fall so easily.

Thou shalt not write poetry, draw or sing to gain followers; use it to gain experience.

Thou shalt not watch linear TV.

Thou shalt not attend a meetup and leave as soon as you’ve handed out your glossy business cards, you dull, soulless prick.

Thou shalt not continually abuse Tinder, week in, week out, just so you can swipe right on a girl there that you fancy that you’re never going to fucking talk to.

Thou shalt not put comedians, show-runners or bloggers on ridiculous pedestals, no matter how luxuriant their facial hair.

Wil Wheaton is just a beard. Zach Galifianakis: just a beard. Chris Hardwick: just a beard. David Mitchell: just a beard. Dan Harmon: just a beard. Chris Pratt: just a beard. Charlie Brooker: just a beard. Matt Groening is just a beard. George RR Martin: just a beard. Kevin Smith: just a beard. Robert Kirkman: just a beard. Vince Gilligan: just a beard. Chris O’Dowd: just a beard. Russel Brand: just a beard. George Lucas: just a beard. The next big thing: just a beard.

Thou shalt give equal worth to crime dramas that are set in in non-Scandinavian countries as to those that are set in Scandinavian countries.

Thou shalt remember that ISPs, governments and Facebook were never in charge of the Internet, and never will be.

Thou shalt not post insipid, formulaic clickbate. Thou shalt not post insipid, formulaic clickbate. Thou shalt not post insipid, formulaic clickbate. Thou shalt not post insipid, formulaic clickbate.

Thou shalt not fuck my life. Thou shalt not meme if you want to go faster. Thou shalt not tag it NSFW. Thou shalt not post a photo even if it did happen.

When I say “bitch”, thou will not say “please”. When I say “doge” thou will not say “wow”. When I say, he say, she say, we say “please retweet”… kill me.

Oh, I’ve forgotten where I was. Hang on.

Thou shalt not give you five stars. Thou shalt not reply with an animated GIF. Thou shalt not accuse your girlfriend of being overly attached.

Thou shalt remember that the @ symbol in your username is silent, and there is no such symbol as a hashtag, regardless of what millennials will tell you.

Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that a Baratheon got off with a Targaryen on GoT last night by saying “ermahgerd”.

Thou shalt post as yourself.

And thou shalt always... Thou shalt always troll.


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© 2020 Mark Steadman